h3>Warning: This article contains coarse language, slurs, and general ass hatery, most of which was directly transcribed
from old comedy bit.
Does lasertag have a ball certainly not. Can one gamble on lasertag? I've never seen it done but I know its been attempted before. Is lasertag remotely watchable
Here I’ll argue that lasertag is indeed a sport. I'll present two common definitions of sports, one set by George Carlin,
and an abridged one set forth by Wikipedia. Carlin’s definition is not by any means a real definition of sport but does closely
follow the "common sense" definition of sport.
Carlin’s definition of sports.
"Now I must explain the only reason i mention baseball basketball and foot is because To my way of thinking there are really only
three sports we have. Nothing else qualifies as a sport to everything else is either a game or an activity. Hockey comes to mind. People
think hockey is a sport. It's not. Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating
the shit out of somebody. If these guys were intelligent at all, they'd do these things one at a time. First go ice-skating, then play with
a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would have a lot more fun. Tell
you another reason why hockey isn't a sport is that it's not played with a ball. Anything isn't played with a ball can't be a sport. These
are my rules, I make 'em up. Hockey is played with a puck what is a puck? I never hear of a puck outside of hockey? The only other place you
hear about a puck outside of hockey, is in the bathroom to control the smell about the urinal. Any game which the main object is something that
came out of a urinal is definitely not a sport.
Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Anything where you can't use your arms can't be a sport. Tap dancing isn't a
sport. I rest my case. Another thing i don't like about soccer is that there are dots on the ball that’s a big rule of mine no goddamn dots on the ball.
Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anybody can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you
can run. My mother can run! You don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you? People say I'm going to run down to the store to buy a loaf
of bread, Its not a goddamn sport I’m not going to pay to watch you buy a fucking loaf of bread.
Swimming. Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's common sense. Sailing; sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get
somewhere. Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a sport?
Boxing is not a sport, boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated form of hockey. but
beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport in spite of what the police think. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can be a sport.
Bowling. Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent the shoes. Don't forget, my rules. I make 'em up.
Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can't be, because there's no chance for serious injuries. Unless you welch on a bet in a tough
neighborhood. Then, if you you see a guy with pool cue sticking out of his ass, you know that might be a sports-related injury. But that's not billiards,
that's pool, and that starts with a P, and that rhymes with D, and that brings me to darts.
Now Darts could have been a sport, because you might put someone's eye out. But darts will never be a sport, because the whole object of the game is to
reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.
Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggot college activity. Sorry about it but anytime you're running around a field, waving a stick with a little
net on the end of it, you're engaged in a faggot college activity. Period.
Field hockey and fencing. Same thing. Faggoty college shit. Also these activities aren't sports, because you can't gamble on them. Anything you can't gamble
on can't be a sport. When was the last time you made a fucking fencing bet?
Gymnastics; Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but by god i though of one, by god
i thought of one.
Polo; Polo isn't a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. It's a great concept, but not a sport. And water polo i don't even want to mention because it's extremely
cruel to horses.
Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many accidents on the weekends.
Which brings me to auto racing. Now we're talking serious goddamn injuries, folks. That’s what I’m looking for in auto racing a crash and a car fire. Its the
same goddamn rednecks who win this thing all the time. I'll be honest driving 500 miles in a circle does not impress me. I'm looking for an accident when else
am i going to see a 26 car pile up and not be in the goddamn thing.
Then you have tennis. Tennis is very trendy , but it's not a sport. tennis is an form of ping-pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table.
Great idea, but its not a sport.
In fact, all racket games are nothing more the derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even volleyball is, technically, racket-less, team Ping-Pong played with an inflated ball and
raised net while standing on the table.
And finally we come to golf. Ever watch golf on TV??? Its like watching flies fuck. I get more excited picking out socks. Golf could be fun if you could play alone. But its the genetic defectives you have to hang around with that makes this a boring pastime. Imagine the brains, hitting a ball with a crooked stick, then walking after it, and then hitting it again!! I say pick it up asshole your lucky you found it put in your pocket and go the fuck home."
on TV? This is a far larger argument then I have for at this time. It is however the same people winning every time though you can use your arms. Some as method to
hold a gun some to avoid getting shot but I digress. Carlin didn't attempt to make a certain criteria for his rules as he admitted in this bit, but rather applied
rules to make sure that only the things he thought were sports passed the criteria.
From Wikipedia’s page (the important bit.) "Sport (or, primarily in North America, sports) is all forms of competitive physical activity which,through casual or
organized participation, aim to use, maintain or improve physical ability and provide entertainment to participants."
Competitive yep, some people look at us derisively because we are too competitive. Its allows for both casual play and organized play. There is a skill factor
and a certain amount of athleticism is required. Is it entertaining? Certainly.
See lasertag is only not a sport based on Carlin's rules not textbook rules. Think about this next time your in this agreement.
George Carlin bit © George Carlin, Wikipedia copyleft Media wiki foundation. Used for educational and comedic purposes.